I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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