Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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