I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
