I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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