i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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