Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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