i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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