woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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