Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
