dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Randomize
