Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
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