Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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