so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
3pm strippers are depressing
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
