My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
