There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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