i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
