Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
