he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
