i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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