Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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