remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
