I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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