why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
