My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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