Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
