Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
