I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
