i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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