I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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