just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
