just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
