I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
