You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I'm getting married
To pizza
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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