What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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