You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
