i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
