i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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