My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i will never coherently bang her
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
