Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
