Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
