She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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