the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
