I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
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