I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
