It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
