not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
