I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
