Yo dont text me then not text me
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
