No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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