I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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