literally had 100 drinks last night.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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